Exclusive Interview With Santa Claus
Over the past two months I have been writing a Christmas story.
It is about Santa Claus and the remarkable sequence of events that befell a young girl living on the edge
of the rainforest in Palawan, a tropical island where I live.
Of course, for such an apparently far fetched story, it was important to check out the facts. That was
easy to do here in Palawan, but how could I interview somebody quite so famous as Santa Claus, who lived
far away in a land where I would freeze to death as soon as I got off the airplane?
Well, it turned out to be
more easy than I thought, and we met, believe it or
not, close to a big firework display in Southern
England on November 5th 2005. How I got there and how
he got there, I am not allowed to say. In fact, I
cannot say, simply because I do not know for sure. I
can only speculate. My passport shows I was here; my
wife tells me I was here;
I tell myself I was here.
And this is what I can report from the notes I took
at the interview. There was much more, but I am sworn
to secrecy, and Santa Claus has such amazing powers,
I would not go against his wishes.
These are the 3 questions, and answers, I am allowed
There is much speculation amongst historians
about your origins. Can you tell us, to put this
straight once and for all?
(Roars of laughter from Santa) “The last people you
should ask are historians. They can only look
backwards. What a dumb life they lead; they can never
find the truth like that. Life is multi dimensional;
time is multi-dimensional. What do historians and
scientists know about all that? The truth is like a
sun with all it’s planets rotating around it. If
you just look back- wards, you miss the whole
spectrum, and you miss the sun itself.
“What are my origins? My good man, you’re just a
simple soul, like everyone else on the planet, so I
know you mean ‘when and where do I come from’. I
do have a birthday; in fact, I have many birthdays,
and they are all true. But for your narrow little
world, I was born in 701 AD."
“But,” I said, “all the historians…….”
his glare told me to be quiet about historians. That
seemed like a good idea, given that they got it all
Santa was a tolerant and gentle man despite his
massive powers. “And, young man” ( I had not been
called that for a long time) he said. “You will not
believe where I was born.
It was not the North Pole,
though I go there often. It was not Lapland, where I
do now live. It was Central Africa."
I was dumbfounded; he just laughed at me. I moved on
I have to ask, Santa, how do you get around the
whole world like that, every Christmas, delivering
gifts to so many millions of children? In less than 2
days. It’s just not..”
Before I could finish, he had put his hand firmly on
my arm to stop me.
“Of course it’s possible. You think it’s not
possible because your “scientists” say so, not
because of the truth. Only the truth matters. And it
is possible, because I do it every year. You say
“not possible” because of the way you all look at
things; narrow and blinkered. Even my blinkered
reindeer know more than your silly scientists; so
forget it’s not possible. I do it, and young
man”, (I was really beginning to like this guy), he
went on, “I just love every moment of it.”
“But……?” I was about to ask, but he stopped
me again with a firm hand.
“Ok,” he said gently. “Let me just tell you
about something. In the 8th century I was exploring
brainwaves; your scientists don’t have an inkling
yet about the brain, how it works, the brainwaves and
what they mean and how you can use them. I was able
to discover great things, things all the scientists
have been too narrow minded in the past to seek out,
understand and utilize.”
I was in his spell, listening intently to every word.
He was about to reveal….
“Have you heard of Quantum Chimney Descent Theory?
No, of course not. By 820 AD I had it all worked out;
and a year later I had discovered time corridors. You
know time corridors? No, of course not, but I tell
you young man, that was what did it, that was what
enabled me to deliver gifts at Christmas all over the
“I then developed the Time Corridor Interweaving
Theory. For the next 30 years I started to put them
both into practice, and then bring them together.
That my dear friend is how I get around the whole
world like that and deliver gifts: by exploiting the
Quantum Chimney Descent Theory in unison with Time
“Do you understand now?” he asked.
Well, who was I to argue, I might sound like a
historian or scientist? So, that was it, I had the
answers to the greatest Santa Claus question of all.
I did not have a clue what he was talking about, but
I am sure he anticipated that.
We went on to the final question as the firework
display reached its climax.
What happens to all the mince pies and
glasses of sherry that millions of children leave out
Santa roared with laughter again, “Oh, all the
things people leave out for me; they are so sweet
those children. “But you know, their parents should
tell them the truth; they should not deceive. It is
their parents who drink the sherry and other
alcoholic drinks. It’s just their excuse. I don’t
drink the stuff, never did."
“But the mince pies, yes I do love a good mince
pie. The children are so considerate leaving them for
me, and I eat as many as I can in Australia. But over
a million? I have to tell you, those mince pies get
spread around all sorts of places. The creatures of
the oceans and the forests are very much experts on
mince pies now. But the year before last.....”
Santa saw my expression change.
“Aaah, we can’t say what happened that year, can
we? It’s in your story. We musy not spoil your
A moment later I awoke in my bed many thousands of
miles away near the Sulu Sea. My wife was next to me;
and funnily enough, I was next to her. When I went to
my computer room a while later, I found my notebook.
And what you have read above is what was written in
I really did like Santa Claus; “young man”
This Christmas Santa Claus article was written by Roy
Thomsitt, owner author of the Gifts For Xmas website.
Roy is also owner and author of the Xmas Ornament web
site. Relax for the festive season with Roy's new Christmas
story for adults and children.